It didn't come easy

My close female lives, my mum, my nani, all  masis, school female friends, college female friend, my office female colleagues, my current college female friends, the mum of all the females i know  and all the remaining I am missing here, can talk at great length without stopping about feminism. We might be here, there or in between fences of understanding feminism, but we all have something to say. The intensity with which females of my age discuss feminism is very contrasting compared to the males of my age.Perhaps, I have not met many progressive ones. But, I am fortunate to know few.

I am writing this, to say one clear and precise point: No female I know was born feminist or believed from birth in feminism. The journey from the way we thought about male-female equation in our childhood and the way we question now has not been a soothing one, as some or perhaps, all men believe. If men around us assume that we think,question and ponder about the rules of the game as if someone has gulped it down our throat, they are just having an extremely narrow and shallow view. They need to come closer, not physically, but with heart and emotions and see that we all have struggled with understanding the ways of the world.

We with a good heart , accepted the rules, saw our mum and relatives almost mirroring each other's behavior and then we grew and found something illogical going on. Someone like me, took it too far and gave up entirely on cooking and helping mum in household chores. Others did not.They helped their mum, understood the everyday evidence of patriarchy ruling our lives.

We all empathise with each other, feel that either we are on this fence or somehow mixed sides.

And then, sometimes, in the conversation with males of our age, I see the traces of their previous generation. Not only their no intention at all to understand how the game has always favored them, but their irritation at us questioning their conduct. Then we know, that our world is going to take time to change. The roots have taken so much time to be deeply ingrained in our brain that they forget that humans make rules and not vice-versa.Every single rule around is man-made. It can be changed. By man I do not mean men, human made.But then one has to clarify this, such is irony.

The ones who think that women are questioning men too much in their interpersonal relationships, need a hard look at that woman's first relationship. All of my friends have always given such room for trust, loyalty and respect to men. Unfortunately, so less women question the first encounters they have with men. It shows the optimism one has

The path from being understanding, mature, motherly to the current questioning one has not been achieved based on textbooks. We unfortunately have learnt it the hard way. At least, I have.

This hard way is being overlooked by men. They are not looking and questioning the patriarchy in their home simply because it would lead to uncomfortable questions leading to an uncomfortable environment in home. Asking the patterns why our family has been running a particular way and taking steps to correct it, is a long long way. If half of our family is turning their eyes blind to the face towards the realities of our homes, the other half is going to burst one day. That other half might not be our present family, but future family.Somewhere or other, people wake up. All do. Perhaps, late, but we do.

The realisation that female around me and including me, are still doubting themselves when we raise much needed questions is not paid heed by our fellow family members and other men in our life, makes me realise that, if men think, they can turn oblivion to the main questions and then, slowly these questions and confusions will disappear is plain foolishness. If not us, their son and daughter will ask them. The more time passes, the more strange and stupid it becomes to be receiving education and still living in one's cocoon.

Women around me have been humane and kind enough to learn the life lessons through the tough way. They obeyed the rules, then surrendered themselves to it and when it seemed as if self-respect might just disappear from their lives, then they rose. We saw our mum not escaping even a single rule and then they observed that not questioning is not the way to live. True, questioning all the time is also not. But then, if the later on generation has to reap the benefit, someone will have to do the extra-hard work.

But, men around us, think this knowledge has been bestowed upon us by theory. I do not think humans learn by theory.If that would have been the case, people would write their memoir in the childhood.We test. Forget, rest of the people, we test ourselves. We push us till dripping point and then we return to ourselves. Then we read and come to know that history is there for a reason and we should have learnt it from the start.

Men around us are forgetting that if questioning was so much as in us from childhood, we would have questioned our brothers and fathers. But we loved them, most of the time with more heart than needed.But then this is what makes us humane, that we trust before casting doubt .We love before we hate.

Few questions here and there and I see men's increasing insecurity .

Perhaps, no education, even the highest degree can turn you or me more empathetic and loving. It is either what we are or when we decide to be better when we realise that "to err is to be human".

But it is better and peaceful to hope, both in despair and without despair.

Thus, here we all are, hoping that you and I will change, our friends will change, our personal relationships will have more empathy and more room for questions because questioning is a form of seeking ways to love. Question is loving rationally, not blindly. We also hope that we will hear less of men's insecurity and jealousy at women waking up and rather proud that when women understand and mold the rules created by them,  women are lifting the burden for both men and women.