Silence & Screams

More than a year or two back, it was around 10 30 am. My neighbours are extremely peaceful bunch of people. But then , I heard a middle aged man hurling abusive words at her old mother. I went to my balcony. I was trying to locate which house it was coming from.

The voice grew louder, intense, persistent in its accusation against her. What were those set of accusations exactly? I could not understand as the voices were unclear. I further focused my attention on the words. It was perhaps about disappointment at his mother. The words turned into action. He raised his hand on her. His daughter and wife tried to stop him. His daughter said to him- don’t do this, she will not understand. But he continued. After few minutes, the beating stopped.

This whole episode did not compel a single reaction from anyone in our neighbourhood including me. Indeed, this episode is not surprising. The reaction of the neighbours is also not surprising. We all are peaceful people. We always remain peaceful which also means silent. It becomes hard to grasp the day we have crossed the stage from former to the latter. But, how does this feel when one is hearing it. It felt still. This is how being a listener to this episode feels.

It is piercing to the very least. How does one erase this from one’s memory ? The length of sadness in this , begins in being able to going back to normal life after it. But this is the superficial layer. Beneath this, lies the multiple stories of this nature. This day made me realise that the sadness is more in heart when one hears it than being the receiver. It also woke me up. It woke me up to the truth that, when I hear this, I do not care what the mother did. I would not accept a single justification on the part of the son. She might have done the cruelest deed in the world, but I would still tell him, a violence impacts the witness sometimes way more than the receiver. He is not realising that the people in the neighbourhood are internalising the violence as a normal incident in the society.

Maybe he needs to be a listener someday to hear the sound of violence. It is similar to sound of silence which we equate with peace. I feel numb after both. He underestimated his action to be merely confined to his four walls. I hate him for putting me in front of the truth which I want to deny, that I have come to abhor the truth about families. The truth behind male-female equation within families. How much power men want to continuously hold over women? How angry we all are & how frustrated our nerves are? Still, we remain silence when we hear violence. He made me confront my own past, the violent past which rendered me also violent. Unfortunately, perhaps equally violent in reaction to what was done to me.

I saw that man, next day and I cannot see him in the same light anymore. Suddenly, the peaceful neighbourhood feels stifling. The cost I pay for having peace, has given me no space to scream now.

It is hard to conclude, which is more piercing & violent. Silence or Peace. But after hearing the sound of verbal & phyiscal abuse, it makes me want to do nothing about it. I want to do nothing about it. Nothing. I want to go back to pulling my blanket and sleep. Next day, I want to go to work to give myself the feeling that earning money gives. That fake sense of empowerment. Perhaps, not just men are bad. Maybe we all are.

What do I feel today when I look at that man or his family? I see a mirror of myself and I want it to stop. I would choose peace, not in the form of silence but scream. Scream and peace can go hand in hand, albeit done with kindness. Just in the right amount. This is my new year resolution. To just, take that step to change the world I live in. The world I live in the world is the world you live in. How do we ask for something we are not giving?

Why do I want to do this? I want to do this because we all deserve to live in a world where we resist our natural instinct to indulge & react through violence and live in a more peaceful than the one now.